It’s been nearly 10 months since my last blog post, and while I feel I’ve grown in many ways as a person, in some sense I feel more lost than ever. My final semester of college, every day was a new adventure – I implored myself to work on new and exciting projects of my own and allocated all 24 hours of the day how I wished. I wasn’t necessarily “efficient” in allocating these hours – large amounts of time were wasted, some alone but most with friends. I wandered aimlessly across a vast universe of actions without a worry in the world.
I never felt lost that semester because I felt life was on pause before starting at Old Mission. Up to this point in life, I had chosen to chase prestige and optimize for it. In high school, I aimed to get into the best possible college – I failed (of course I loved my time at Michigan in hindsight, but as a high schooler, I was devastated to learn I didn’t get into a “higher ranked” school). In college, I aimed to get the best possible internship – I succeeded, and then failed to get a return offer. That failure drove me into an intense period of mental toll and lead me to Old Mission, despite an exceptionally competitive job environment. So, on the heels of my newfound success, I felt I could take a break, and spend a semester doing whatever I want.
After my pause, and upon starting my new job, I suppose I followed my natural urge to find a new goal, or set of goals), to chase. Was it financial success vis-à-vis promotions, side projects, or investing? Was it to grow as a software engineer? Was it to find a partner or some other meaningful social connection? Was it to work out, exercise, and become jacked? Or was it to live a balanced life, consisting of some optimal percentage of all of these?
At this point I’ve felt I have rotated through many of these goals, and I’ve watched many peers who face similar qualms make their decisions as well. When I moved into Chicago, I tried to say yes to every opportunity I had to make new friends – and that worked great! I started going out more and kept meeting new people, but after a point, this began to feel meaningless, and not a goal to work towards. Spending too much time with friends turned into a way to avoid pondering deeper priorities like my health or career. Social circles can be the opposite and full of like-minded individuals working towards the same goals, uplifting, and pushing you rather than turning into a time-suck, but those are difficult to come by.
I focused deeply on work my first few months at Old Mission, first aiming not to get fired, but then slowly realizing that I just might be a good enough software engineer to survive (or even thrive!) at the firm.